What Not to Say to Someone With Infertility: How to Avoid Causing Unintentional Hurt

What Not to Say to Someone With Infertility: How to Avoid Causing Unintentional Hurt

Infertility is a deeply personal and often silent struggle faced by many couples worldwide. About 11% of women and 9% of men in the United States have experienced infertility. More than 1 in 8 couples struggle to get pregnant for a year or more. Despite the best intentions, friends, family, and even acquaintances can sometimes say things that, rather than providing comfort, end up causing more pain. Knowing what not to say to someone with infertility is just as important as knowing how to offer support. This guide sheds light on common but hurtful comments and offers insights into how we can speak more thoughtfully and compassionately to those facing infertility.

What Not To Say To Someone With Infertility: The Top 40 Insensitive Comments to Avoid

When trying to comfort someone struggling with infertility, it’s easy to fall into the trap of offering clichés or advice. But these often do more harm than good. Here are 40 things not to say to someone with infertility:

When trying to offer words of comfort or advice to someone facing infertility, it’s easy to fall into the trap of clichés and oversimplifications. Here are 40 comments that are best avoided:

“Just relax, it’ll happen.”
“You’re trying too hard.”
“There’s always next month.”
“Enjoy being able to sleep late while you can.”
“It’s God’s plan.”
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
“You’re lucky you don’t have kids to deal with.”
“Maybe you’re not meant to be parents.”
“You should try this diet or that supplement.”
“Have you considered IVF?” (as if it’s a simple solution)
“You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
“My friend tried XYZ and got pregnant right away.”
“Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
“Maybe you should just get a dog.”
“You should go on vacation, then it will happen.”
“At least you can travel and have fun.”
“You can have one of my kids if you want.” (jokingly)
“It could be worse, at least you have each other.”
“Have you prayed about it?”
“You’re not getting any younger.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it.”
“Maybe it’s for the best.”
“You must not be trying hard enough.”
“There’s always IVF or surrogacy.” (oversimplifying complex options)
“You wouldn’t understand, you’re not a parent.”
“Your career wouldn’t be where it is if you had kids.”
“Just adopt, there are so many kids that need homes.”
“It must be nice to have so much free time.”
“You should be thankful for what you have.”
“Maybe if you lost/gained weight, it would happen.”
“It’s because of all the stress you’re under.”
“You should stop worrying about it so much.”
“At least you can focus on your career right now.”
“You’re thinking about it too much.”
“Have you tried herbal remedies?”
“You can always get a pet instead.”
“Maybe this is a sign to focus on other things.”
“You’re so lucky, kids are so much work.”
“At least you have each other.” (implying that should be enough)
“Don’t you enjoy your freedom?”

Each of these comments, while often well-meaning, can inadvertently minimize the couple’s feelings, suggest blame, or diminish the complexity of their journey. For instance, suggesting they “just relax” overlooks the medical and emotional challenges of infertility. Infertility is a disease that often takes time to treat and does not have a one-size-fits-all solution. Similarly, proposing adoption as a simple solution fails to acknowledge the emotional and often logistical and financial complexities involved in the adoption process. Avoid asking intrusive questions about reproduction as family building plans are often private matters. The painful journey of infertility is filled with deep grief and struggle, and such comments can unintentionally add to the emotional burden.

Understanding Infertility and Its Impact

Understanding the Impact of Your Words on a Very Painful Journey

Experiencing infertility is not just a physical diagnosis; it’s a deeply emotional experience. Infertility is a medical condition that is often misunderstood and oversimplified. 1/3 of infertility is attributed to female factors, 1/3 to male factors, and 1/3 is unexplained. Infertility is very common, with approximately 1 in every 8 women accessing infertility services. Even light-hearted comments can trigger waves of sadness, frustration, or isolation. That’s why it’s so important to pause and consider your words carefully. Learning what not to say to someone with infertility helps us build more thoughtful, supportive relationships.

Experts in reproductive health and mental wellness emphasize that compassionate listening—without judgment or unsolicited advice—is one of the most powerful forms of support you can offer. It’s also important to note that stress has not been reliably found to cause infertility or miscarriage, despite common misconceptions.

How to Support a Friend Struggling with Infertility

If you’re unsure of how to help a friend struggling with infertility, start with empathy. Here are some ways to offer meaningful support:

Listen more than you speak: Sometimes, just being present is enough.
Acknowledge their pain: A simple “I’m here for you” can be healing.
Ask before advising: Don’t offer solutions unless they ask.
Educate yourself: Learn about infertility so you can better understand their journey.
Respect their boundaries: If they don’t want to talk about it, honor that.
Encourage therapy: Gently suggest that they might benefit from professional counseling, sharing personal experiences with mental health support if appropriate.

Creating a More Supportive Environment for Family Members

Being mindful of what not to say to someone with infertility is part of a broader goal: building a community of empathy for those facing fertility challenges. This can be a very painful journey, filled with emotional and psychological hardships. It is not easy to get pregnant, and many people are misled to believe they have ultimate control over their fertility. A woman’s chances of conceiving each month starts around 25% at age 20, but this decreases with age. Infertility is not always visible, but it affects millions. Through awareness, education, and open-hearted communication, we can create a culture where couples feel safe, understood, and supported.

Conclusion

Every infertility journey is unique, full of emotional highs and lows. By learning what not to say to someone with infertility, we become better friends, family members, and allies. Our words hold incredible power—they can isolate, or they can heal. Acknowledging his or her grief is crucial in providing the support they need. Let’s choose compassion.

Please consider sharing this post to help spread awareness and create a more informed, supportive world for those walking through infertility.

Supportive Resources for Infertility Treatment

Here’s a list of resources to guide supportive communication and avoid saying insensitive things to couples struggling with infertility:

Books on Infertility Etiquette: Look for books like “The Fertility Companion: A Guide to Navigating Infertility” by Judy Ford or “What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting” by Jessica Bourke for guidance on supportive communication.
Online Articles and Blog Posts: Many infertility support websites offer articles and blog posts on what not to say to couples struggling with infertility. Websites like RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association or The Infertility Voice often publish helpful guides.
Podcasts on Infertility Awareness: Listen to podcasts that focus on infertility awareness and supportive communication. Podcasts like “The Infertility Podcast” or “Beat Infertility” often discuss sensitive topics related to infertility and provide guidance on supportive communication.
Social Media Accounts and Communities: Follow social media accounts and join online communities dedicated to infertility awareness and support. Accounts like @pregnancylossawareness or @infertilityunfiltered on Instagram may share insights and resources.
Infertility Support Groups: Join infertility support groups or online forums where members share their experiences and advice on navigating insensitive comments. Websites like BabyCenter Community or Fertility Network UK offer supportive communities.
Counseling and Therapy: Consider seeking counseling or therapy to learn coping strategies and communication techniques for dealing with infertility-related stress and insensitive remarks. Many therapists specialize in infertility counseling.
Educational Workshops and Webinars: Attend workshops or webinars hosted by infertility organizations or mental health professionals, where you can learn about supportive communication and coping strategies.
Infertility Awareness Events: Participate in infertility awareness events or seminars where experts discuss sensitive communication around infertility. Organizations like RESOLVE often host events during National Infertility Awareness Week.
Personal Stories and Testimonials: Read personal stories and testimonials shared by couples who have experienced infertility. Websites like The Infertility Voice or Fertility Smarts often feature personal essays and articles.
Infertility Etiquette Cards and Guides: Some infertility organizations offer downloadable etiquette cards or guides that you can share with friends and family to educate them on supportive communication.
Consult a Fertility Specialist: Women under 35 should consider consulting a fertility specialist after one year of unsuccessful attempts to conceive. Timely medical guidance is crucial in the complex journey of family building.
Understanding Infertility Treatment: Recognize that infertility treatment can consume significant time and energy, often likened to a second job. Support and sensitivity from friends and family are essential during this period.
Encourage Therapy Regularly: Encourage friends or family members dealing with infertility to seek professional help and share personal experiences with therapy to normalize the conversation around mental health and emotional support.

These resources can provide valuable guidance and support for communicating sensitively with couples struggling with infertility. By educating yourself and being mindful of your words, you can offer meaningful support to loved ones during a challenging time.

What not to say to someone who is infertile?

Don’t use this situation for jokes. Crude comments about sperm donation are not humongous and may cause the person to think you are a little naive about the problems he or she faces. 2024.

What are the emotional tolls of infertility?

Infertility affects millions of individuals around the globe. Having infertile children is an emotionally challenging condition which increases the likelihood of depression and a variety of mental disorders in adults. May 15, 2023.